Goodbye Everybody, I've Got To Go

2010-05-30T11:05:00.005-04:00

Greetings. This blog was established in 2005 but I didn’t start posting anything to it until 2006. At the time I didn’t think that I had anything of any consequence to fill this space with. Now it seems like a lifetime ago that I thought this. Since 2010 started there really hasn’t been much posted here that wasn’t filled with melancholy notions but in the end the truth was posted. And this post will be no different. Sure, some will call it lies, but in the end I don’t care. We both know the truth and I have nothing to hide. Yes, the truth has made me very unpopular in the last few years but again, I don’t care. I simply pass along events.

Recently I have been charged with no being able to move on from a horrid lie of a relationship. My name is, once again, blasted by people who have no idea what personal responsibility is. They post threats behind the wall of blocked social networks. Make fun of me for false medical conditions created by those who just can’t seem to handle the sting of their actions. And I’m tired of it. So my only recourse is to shut this blog down.

Tuesday I woke up in a great mood. The weather was questionable but still I was in a good place. With great music in my ears and a positive evening planed my spirits were dashed when my phone when off. The name that appeared on the screen was one I didn’t wish to see. Had no reason to see nor ever should see again. Following this contact, I notified the appropriate parties and a few things because clear to me. So here is my rebut to these charges. It will be filled with truth, not observation of a jilted ex-lover. But rather things that I can prove. From old saved conversations, cell phone records and emails.

As stated before, I have been charged for not being able to move on. Like I’m spending my life just pining away from this person who is so hung up on herself that she thinks she’s really that hard to get over. Well to this I’ll list a few things and let the good people that visit this corner of the inter-web make up their own minds.

Are these the actions of a person who is unable to move on. The second the status change was made on Facebook, both my account there and on Twitter was deleted. Side note on this. One hour after my account was deleted, I received a nasty text message, upset and asking why she was blocked. When I informed her that I deleted the account and didn’t block her, she responded simply with “Why?”.

In the early days of the breakup I choice not to sit around the house. On nights that I normally had my daughter but didn’t due to the situation I would spend the time else where. When she drove past the house and saw that I wasn’t home, she would give me a panic text. Wondering where the hell I was. Again I can back this up with phone records.

Soon after, despite the continued contact from her, I began filling my time with other things. Sure I was side tracked by mind games. Text messages from her about weird dreams that she had concerning my daughter and the like. Really weird seeing as one day I’m told that she wants nothing to do with me but then contacts me because she has a bad dream?!

Then on one fateful day, she calls me in a panic because she drops her phone. This would be during a snowstorm. She, as always, needed my help to get it fixed. Being the sucker that I am and hoping that she would return to me, I did my damnedest to solve her issue. The second it was done I was ignored.

This type of behavior would go one for weeks, if not months. One morning I finally had enough and mentioned it to my brother. He texted her and told her to leave me alone. That prompted her to call me and state “I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell your brother. If I want to call you, I’m going to.”

During all of this, I wouldn’t bother her. I went back to my roots. Joined a dojo, made new friends, got new ink and did my best to push on. All the while knowing the truth. Knowing where the last few months had taken me. But still doing my best.

Fast forward to Tuesday. I received this text message. The reason was to bait me. I guess that she was bored up at her medic boyfriend’s apartment and just had to bother me. Her question was about the money that she owes me. The funny thing is that I answered this question in an email two months ago. So the email I received one month ago, the IM I received two weeks ago and this recent text was not needed.

So I’m going to ask, if I’m the one that can’t move on, why was I the one that told her to leave me alone? To contact me only by email so I could limit her lies to something that I could back up. And that I didn’t really need to hear from her. Not when her friend died. Not when her phone broke. Not even when she has dreams of my ex in-law’s heads catching fire. It’s a game and it helps to feed her need for drama.

Now in the interests of the honesty that I’m always talking about I’ll say this. No, I’m not always happy. There are mornings that I wake up and really have no desire to get out of bed. Is it because I’m pining away for her, no. But I think the larger issue is the place I find myself in life. That I continue to make poor choices with the women I alley myself with. Thinking that I could fix these soulless creatures.

So tell me, what am I pining away for? Someone that is totally resplendent in a lack of respect for herself and others? Someone who sees fidelity and truth as an option based on her mood? Someone who would spend an evening with me shopping for engagement rings then later take a 5 hour car ride to the “shore”. I have news for you honey, my eyes saw where you went. Your car led me short of the hills that my heart would soon tumble down.

Am I pining away for a woman who would text me from work, complaining about two medics that were hitting on her. Saying that they were staring at her breasts in an unprofessional manner. The two hours later she’s not only friends with them on Facebook but exchanging messages like they’ve known each other for a few years. Then while I’m cooking her dinner on the same night, her phone is going off with the medics name. Seems she’ll just throw her number out to any guy that shows her attention. Of course in this case, not too long after they’d be sleeping together. Yes, she was still sleeping with me. Or as it is commonly called, a sympathy jump. More proof that she goes through men like Sherman through Georgia. Sorry for the history reference. I know they’re tough but Google will save you.

Am I pining away for a women that spend years begging me to get close to my daughter. I held her at bay to be sure. Then when I finally drop my guard and my poor four year old little girl gets close to her, she’s slammed in the face with the door of reality. Yes, I take full blame for that one. No wonder I don’t trust people.

But that is the past. If you’re done with me then leave me the hell alone. You want to blast me on Twitter and Facebook, fine. But If you’re so in love with him then leave me alone. Personally I think you sound like a hypocrite. Remember when you used to sit on my porch swing and laugh at my ex wife for posting things like that on her Twitter account? “Oh Chris, she’s just saying that life is good cause it sucks and she’s trying to make herself believe that it doesn’t.” The sad fact is you’ve turning into what she used to be. Or rather have always been this way, just hid it very well.

Okay, you win. You spent years crying that you wanted to be better than her. You are now get over it. You won’t let me go and continue to beat me into the ground long after she stopped. So in that respect, you win. But lose with everything else. Funny thing is though, she fixed herself. She did what you’ll never be strong enough to do, face her issues and deal. She won’t stalk you like you did her. Sad.

So stop taunting me. if you’re having an issue paying me the money back that you owe me, maybe you shouldn’t replace that mattress that you guys broke cause you screwed too hard on it. Why would you even post something like that? Just sick. In fact, in the last few weeks I’ve had people come up to me. Asking how I could go out with such a piece of white trash. Posting things that no sane or self respecting person would be posting. To say nothing of how she seems to contradict herself.

And if you’re going to issue threats of bodily harm to me on the internet, I’m here. Send your medic to come kick my ass. But remember, not only do I hold a black belt, I’ve also spend the last several months training and sparing with some of the country’s best competing martial artists. So bring it on. I have learned new tricks and reaffirmed that which once was mine.

Should your Dad or medic sucker come to see me, they’ll be treated with the truth and our old couple’s councilor's phone number. Maybe then they’ll hear from a professional concerning your major issues.

Maybe your medic will enjoy seeing what you used to beg me to do to you. Those things that no one else should know about. But hey, I’m sure you told him I did to you what every other ex you had did to you. Let me guess. I sexually assaulted you. Remember that story you used to break my heart with? The one that had you locked in a car on a dark end of Raritan St? But we couldn’t tell your Dad because the kid hangs at his house with your step sister. Not much concern there for the step sister.

Can it be that every single guy you’re with treats you badly, really? Like we all just can’t keep our hands to ourselves. Too funny. But it seems that you have to demonize those that you once whispered sweet nothing to. At least you did in my case. More like the actions of a slam hog, punishing herself for the darkness that she is too weak to fight.

So how am I demonstrating that I can’t move on? If you look back, the only time I post one of these things is when she contacts me. You’ll find nothing that shows me contacting her either first or as a response.

These last few months I have been meeting the greatest people. I have been out and about, dating several women aging in the range from 21 to 37. And more than a few of them are interested. Including the one that carries a gun, is a Federal agent and is high up in Border Patrol of a major airport in the tristate area.

So again, how am I not moving on? Because I don’t tell these women I love them? Because I don’t sleep with them right out of the gate. Well why would I? If the words are thrown around that easily then why bother saying them at all. She seems to say those words as easily as she gives up the best of her. Or in this case, she throws herself around like she’s saying hello. So boys, you’re not special, she’s just looking to fill that hole in her soul. She’ll buy a baby name book, lay naked in your bed talking on the topic, then on a night you have your kid slip away to fornicate.

Now again, there will be some that will say I’m full of shit. That I’m just looking to strike back at someone that lied, cheated and buried me. All the while still contacting me with that sweet angel way she uses to screw with you. Hell, you should move to Hollywood. you’re a great actress and will sleep with anything with a penis. I believe the term in “angel with a dirty face.” So to those people I say, you have no clue what you’re talking about.

So enjoy your imaginary world. Make sure though that, while you’re leaving him little post-its, you inform him of that little thing that will follow you forever. That thing I had the pleasure of running into one night but that you forgot to tell me about. It’s called respect. The thing you don’t seem to have for others, let alone yourself.

So in closing I’m saying it one last time. Leave me alone. Should you need to inquire about your balance with me, send a letter and I shall rebut. But you already know what you owe me. I know it’s hard for you having to use that checkbook and all. But if you look at the email I sent in response, look at the money you’ve already sent. Then use your fingers, toes, even the penises of whatever mountain of guys you’re cheating on mister ALS with to figure out what you continue to owe. I really don’t care, just don’t ask me from a seemingly innocent text, email or phone call. We all know that you are not even close to being innocent.

I will say that I pray one day you find him. That one person who actually fills the hole you so proudly carry on your shoulder. The one guy that did what I couldn’t seem to do, fix you. Save you from yourself. Your urges, your fears, that monster I saw the night in my truck after you cheated on me the first time. That night you literally punched yourself in the face then grabbed my hand, trying to place it around your throat. All the while crying, repeating that you needed to be punished for your actions. Yup, doesn’t sound like guilt to me. Not one damn bit. Had I been smart I would have run fast and far. But in my arrogance I thought I was good enough, that I loved you strong enough. I could get though your obsession with my ex. Your seemingly never ending list of guys that treat you like dog shit. Your dressing yourself like a tramp to attract the wrong type of guy. Hell I even helped mount a false claim of sexual harassment against our old employer. One that will land her around $100,000. All for baiting guys just like she did me. But in my defense, at the time it seemed plausible. Again, major fail for me.

So now this blog is over. And what a sad way to see it go. For those of you that have contacted me over the years, enjoying and relating to what I’ve posted, feel free to email me and I’ll direct you to my new site. I promise it wont be filled with such negativity. It will be hard to find though. Seeing as every time I post something happy I’m tired of hearing for a little sociopath trying to damn me because she’s too weak to deal with her guilt.

And the truth shall set you free.

Definition

2010-03-22T07:31:00.003-04:00

Guilt: A cognitive or an emotional experience that occurs when a person realises or believes that they have violated a moral standard, and bear sole responsibility for that violation.

-- Post From My iPhone

Definition

2010-03-22T07:06:00.001-04:00

Excuse: An explanation designed to avoid or alleviate guilt or negative judgement.

-- Post From My iPhone

2006-06-03T14:06:00.001-04:00

Greetings, I know that it says I've had this blog since 2005 and this is the first post that I'm actually doing. Several reasons have contributed to this fact. One would be that my life is way too busy and adding a blog to my seemingly never ending list of s*** to remember seems counterproductive. Secondly, I never really thought I had anything really prolific to say. Never really wanted to be one of those people that blog about what they had to eat on any given day. But as I sit and think on my 16 years in emergency services and my year of fatherhood, I find that I just might have something to say, if only something to type about.

Maderville.com

Goodbye Everybody, I've Got To Go

Definition

Definition